Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
whose parrot is this?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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