If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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