I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
