Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
