Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
