I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
