I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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