So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
