I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
