I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
