ya dads aren't the best wingmen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
