Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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