I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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