I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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