She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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