I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
