you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
