Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
