Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
