Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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