and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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