Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
