Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
