On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
