I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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