So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
