why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
