You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
