I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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