so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
