You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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