I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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