i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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