She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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