you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
