Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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