Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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