Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
