If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
