non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
