I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
