Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
