Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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