theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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