he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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