ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
