the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
