wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
