I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
