I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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